I’ve Been Worried All My Life

I’m pinned under the weight
Of what I believed would keep me safe.
So show me where my armor ends,
Show me where my skin begins.
Like a final puzzle piece
It all makes perfect sense to me…
The heaviness that I hold in my heart belongs to gravity.
The heaviness that I hold in my heart’s been crushing me.

I’ve been worried all my life,
A nervous wreck most of the time.
I’ve always been afraid of heights,
Of falling backwards, falling backwards.
I’ve been worried all my life…

-Pluto, Sleeping at Last

Dear Readers,

I’ve written a little bit about this and probably mentioned it in a few of my other posts. First of all, I would like to say that this post is not attention seeking. It is simply another struggle of mine. Not everyone wants to talk about these kinds of things, especially online, where most of what we see is everyone’s highlight reel. But, that’s not what I’m about, this is raw honesty. I’m not looking for pity, my goal is to just be real because that’s what this blog is all about.

Fear is a funny thing.  I believe everyone has experienced it in one form or another. We all want to be brave, bold, and courageous, I know I want to be. But if I’m being honest, I’m not.

I’ve had irrational fears of things like garbage disposals, quicksand (yes I’m serious) skunks, getting eaten by a shark, spiders, snake bites, clowns, public speaking, stepping on a lego, answering the phone, and even just interacting with other humans sometimes.

I’ve also had some not-so-irrational fears.

About nine years ago, my family was in a car accident. We were at a red light and someone hit another car which then hit us. It was so weird because I could sense that it was going to happen, and then literally two seconds later the back window broke and glass shattered everywhere. It was so terrifying, I don’t think my heart has ever beat as fast as it did in that moment. Thankfully no one was severely injured. But now sometimes driving makes me nervous because I’m afraid something like that will happen again.

When I got to be about ten, my parents started leaving my brother and I home by ourselves, sometimes they didn’t get back at the exact time they said they would. And me, with my wild imagination, would start worrying that something terrible had happened to them and that they would never return.


When I was eleven I struggled with insomnia. I had a really hard time falling asleep every single night because I was afraid of being alone, the darkness, demons, shadows, and nightmares. My whole body would tremble in fear. So, I simply didn’t sleep, I read books late into the night until my eyes would no longer stay open.

That only lasted for a season, but fear has come back to haunt me in different ways.

I’ve struggled with fear of failure, that I’ll never be good enough, that I’ll disappoint my family and friends, and that I’ll never accomplish anything of importance.

When I was sixteen I started working in the public, until that point I had only ever babysat to earn money (which I had plenty of experience in, thanks to all my siblings, so I was very comfortable with it). The workforce was a whole new world for me, I didn’t know how to process it. I wanted to succeed, work hard, and do my absolute best. But, I felt like I just didn’t know what I was doing, and a lot of times I wasn’t properly trained, which really stressed me out.

At that time there was a lot going on in my personal life and it was all just overwhelming. I lost my appetite, felt shaky all the time, constantly overthought about everything, started having trouble sleeping again, and even had a few panic attacks. The trouble was, I had no idea exactly what I was so stressed and worried about all the time, it was a lot of things, but I couldn’t pinpoint it. My mind was always racing, it was a constant war inside my head. Just me, against all my thoughts.

“I don’t think people understand how stressful it is to explain everything that’s going on in your head when you don’t even understand it yourself.” 

I started looking into anxiety, I didn’t know what it meant so I googled the symptoms. It was spot on, everything I was experiencing started to make sense.

They say the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one, and it’s true. I think learning about anxiety and acknowledging that I struggled with it really helped me to overcome it.

Anxiety is like a voice in your head. It’s an endless conversation that goes something like this:

Me: Life is good! The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, it’s a beautiful day.

Anxiety: Ermm… actually

Me: What?

Anxiety: Well there’s this thing

Me: What thing?

Anxiety: Everything is going wrong! You won’t be able to handle it! It’s all too much!

Me: What’s going wrong?

Anxiety: *hands me a huge book* Here’s a directory! Also, at the back, there’s a complimentary list of reasons why you suck and will probably never amount to anything. Enjoy!

Anxiety is a jerk. It’s like one of my pushy, manipulative childhood friends. Growing up I was meek and shy, so naturally, I was chosen to be the side-kick to some of the most controlling little girls who ever lived. (True story, just ask my mom)

What I’ve learned about those kinds of relationships is they can only control you if you let them. In getting over my anxiety, I stopped giving it power and simply let it go. It’s a weight I was never meant to carry on my own.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

–Matthew 11:28-30

Life is a walk with Yahweh, I picture myself holding His hand, and when I let go of it, even just for a moment, everything gets confusing and I start to panic. Just as when Peter walked on water with Yeshua, he started to doubt and began to sink. (Matthew 14:29-31)

There is so much in the Bible about fear, Yahweh knows we’re gonna be afraid sometimes, it’s a common human struggle. That’s why there are so many comforting reminders that we are loved and held in the hands of our Creator. Just praying and reading His word helps tremendously, and music, always music.

Nowadays I have fewer conversations with anxiety and more conversations with God. Life is so shaky and uncertain. He keeps me steady and makes me brave.

Fear still creeps in sometimes. It always will, but I won’t allow it to run my life anymore.


“The phrase “do not be afraid” is written in the Bible 365 times.

That’s a daily reminder to live fearlessly.”

At the end of the day, I would not call myself “fearless” but with God’s help, I’m getting there, one step at a time. I just can’t let go of His hand.

Sincerely, Bri

Also shoutout to this amazing song, which in a way, inspired me to write this post.

Home Is Where My Heart Is

Dear Readers,

There’s the story I have heard quite a bit from the majority of people I know. It goes something like this: “I was born in this state, in this town, and I grew up in the house. I took my first steps in this house, and on the wall, there are markings of my height that kept track of how I grew throughout the years. I celebrated all of my birthdays here. My best friend lives down the street and we’ve known each other since we were three years old. This is my home, I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

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“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.” -Maya Angelou

Dear Readers,

Today’s post is about positive body image and self-love. I know it’s talked about a lot, sometimes over-talked about, but that doesn’t make it any less important. Some people make fun of it, but that’s because they don’t understand it. Things like eating disorders are a legitimate problem, and should never be taken lightly. All the talk about “loving yourself” might sound kinda silly, and it can get to a point where it’s just self-absorption. But, coming from someone who has struggled with self-hate, this is my take on it.

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Adventures in Road-Tripping

|| “The mountains are calling, and I must go.” -John Muir ||

Dear Readers,

Oh hey, it’s February! I know I haven’t been posting much, and I promise there’s a good reason for it. I’ve been…. busy… Oh, ya know just, moving halfway across the country with my family. I wish I could blame all my lack of writing on that, but I admit, part of it is just procrastination, (too many episodes of Psych tbh) It’s not because I don’t enjoy writing this blog, I really do! But sometimes I even procrastinate things I love doing.  I haven’t even written in any of my journals in several weeks… *gasp*

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Why do you complain, Jacob?
    Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
    my cause is disregarded by my God”?
Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
    they will walk and not be faint.

-Isaiah 40:27-31

Sometimes in life, things happen that I don’t understand. My automatic response is to worry and overthink things until I’m so stressed out I can’t even function properly. I know You don’t want that for me. You always have Your hands extended to me, but sometimes I’m too stubborn and prideful to take them. I want to think I can do things on my own, but clearly, I can’t. Without You, I can’t take a single breath, let alone try to sort out my problems. You have told me so many times to cast my burdens on You, why have I not listened? Abba help me to trust You, even when I can not see. Even when I don’t know what will happen or where I’ll end up, I’ll trust You. Even though people have let me down and broken my trust so many times, I’ll trust You. For You Abba, are trustworthy, You have never let me down. You have never given me a reason not to put my faith in You……

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What I Learned In 2017

Dear Readers,

I don’t even know where to start. 2017 was quite a year for me…

There has been a lot of loss and heartache, but also a lot of joy. I made some of the most beautiful memories of my life this year.

However, it did not start well.. A couple of friends passed away over the span of the first few weeks… That was really hard and sad for everyone.

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There Is No Light Without Love

Dear Readers,

In honor of Hanukkah, I wanted to write about one of the common themes of the holiday, which is light. I see the saying “Be The Light” plastered all over the internet.. Especially around this time of year. But what does it actually mean? How can we effectively be a “light”?

John 13:34-35 says “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

They will know us by our love.

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A Tribute To My Brother on His 20th Birthday

He was there from the very beginning. I have never known a life without my brother.

He taught me so much… Starting with climbing out of my crib when I was an infant, which later led to climbing up ladders and jumping off of them, and then climbing out the window onto the roof, climbing trees.. etc. (yeah, there was a lot of climbing involved in my childhood..lol)

He taught me just how fun (and painful) it is to go down the stairs in a laundry basket. He also hit me in the head with a metal baseball bat, which really really hurt….

You know it’s a miracle I’m still alive and fully functioning… (that last part might be questionable though… lol jk)

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Don’t Trade Authenticity For Approval

Dear Readers,

All my life I have struggled with the need to be accepted. I put too much value in what other people said about me.

Instead of being myself I would try to be someone I thought others would like. I hid the real me because I thought if people knew who I really was they wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore.

Most of the time I felt invisible. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me “You’re so quiet!” I would be driving a freaking Ferrari. Read More